Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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