i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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