Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
