Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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