I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Couch. On fire.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
