guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
