dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
