My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
