He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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