Don't make out with my wife yet
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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