omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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