just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
