Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
