Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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