"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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