I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
