You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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