dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
there is puke in my bra ... again
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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