And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
