Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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