My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
