Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
