you would pick up someone in the library
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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