i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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