I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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