You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
