I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
