I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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