a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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