genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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