you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
