Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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