also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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