1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
