I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I pour the whiskey from now on
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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