Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
