I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
