i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
