hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
