tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
