i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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