Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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