It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
