Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
