1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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