If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
