I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
