How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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