Swine flu is the new snow day.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
