Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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